no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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