i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
