dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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