if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
this beer tastes like vomit already
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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