I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
