thus making me awesome and them whores
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
