I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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