Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
