How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
