he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
