I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
