The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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