Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
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