She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
