Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
