I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
