i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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