I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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