Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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