Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
