Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
