his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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