god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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