I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
