Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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