If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
