You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
