Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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