why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I need to calm my uterus...
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
