Soap is not a condiment
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
