My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
