i was rollin on her like bob the builder
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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