I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
