I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
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