Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Randomize
