So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
