What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I miss vodka workout Fridays
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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