my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
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Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
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Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
tell me about the fingering
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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