i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
