My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
