She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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