She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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