You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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