so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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