Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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