I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm both gender and math confused
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
