I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
