So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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