I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
