YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
