Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
