I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
