Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
