Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
