You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Pooping to opera.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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