I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
