i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
