Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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