I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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